bookofsam

bookofsam @ 2008-06-06T12:33:00

2008-06-06T04:44:52Z

"Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. But now I’ve seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they’re capable of and...

I guess I just realized how amazingly screwed up they all are.

I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.

And they have no purpose that unites them so they just drift around blundering through life until they die… which they know is coming yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them.

They’re incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment.
They kill each other, which is clearly insane…
And yet here’s the thing. When it’s something that really matters, they fight.

I mean, they’re lame morons for fighting but they do.
They never… (pause) they never quit.

So I guess I will keep fighting, too."

Anya, an ex-demon on humans in BTVS

updates (do what you have to do)

2008-05-26T06:53:23Z

my housemate and i were talking on the bus, on our way to an artists' community meet one day last week, along with some newly-made friends from france and hawaii. and as usual, the conversation started off from 'where are you from' and all that intro-y bits. so, post-conversation, my housemate told me that how i had introduced my country or rather commented on singapore in an unflattering light. she said something along the lines of what i said was uncalled for and that i could have just smiled and did away with the 'boring', 'tiring' adjectives on singapore. i wasnt angry or anything, but i did tell her if i had done that, i wouldnt be exactly honest with myself and with the people i was talking to. truth is, i was really conveying how i feel being who i am there, the constant stifling and repression, especially after coming on to a bigger place (china, not that its any big difference, but a stronger identity does beckon here) and that i would be really hypocritical if i had just went with the unique singapore slant, cos how truly do i feel that? (it does have something to do with having stayed there all your life, anything unique SHOULD be anything Other) and i said, these people are smart and independent enough to think for themselves, my opinion as much as it is original from the country, wouldnt count for anything if they dont experience it themselves- i mean, one man's meat could be another's poison, right? i was merely offering what my interpretations of a place i have stayed on for far too long and gotten used to.
she went on to ask me if i want to leaave singapore as soon as i could and i said no, after a long pause in thinking about it. i mean, i have my family who's really rooted there now and all my friends- its definitely not easy to think about leaving a place wholesale just like that.

well, that was my answer to her then, she took it lightly and that was the end of our post-conversation discussion. and then yesterday, while making dinner, i thought about what i said again. i felt that i gave a right answer, except that it wasnt well-reasoned for, in my head anyway. i gotta admit, as i dumped my vegetables into the curry that i was making, pangs of ingrate-guilt hit me. i thought- how could i be so ingrateful and diss where i am from, that easily too. afterall, singapore did build me a person to be more linguistically capable than elsewhere (i.e beijing, the people here go on and on about me being effectively bilingual and how they envy so), that we have a strong currency, allowing me to live almost like a king, and damn it, if not for the country, would i have made my best friends there in a place free of most natural disasters.. so i guess, yeah its not a line that easily drawn, but i still stick by what i said before, despite those haunting pangs. take it as a rebel-ly thing if anything because i am still young and im my own person, and i definitely wanna explore everywhere else before i throw out my verdict on where i wanna live my gay-er years. that is to say, no one can and will not take away my freedom if i so wish it. but i believe i w ill be nicer in the future when it comes to describing my homeland or else it does sound a little bit like slapping yourself in the face (which, some of you should understand that i do enjoy that) because where you are from, could reflect a bit of who you are? i dontknow, maybe depends if i have pms that day.

-

its been far too long too, that i have wanted to admit this publicly.

i am in a rut (again).

every piece of creative endeavour i have embarked on, seemed to come down unfavourably. its like trying to make a spongecake and what comes out becomes a muffin, something entirely different and unintended. photographically speaking, i feel i have lost the click to my camera, despite having acquired a history-rich and weighty camera just a while ago. not to mention the photo-gods are definitely not with me in china when the canister that i use, breaks halfway in the middle of developing, bringing the damaging light henceforth. my black and white rolls with the new camera have been nothing short of disastrous and depressing.

however, a noteworthy piece of news would be the literature on contemporary arts here, have been utmost interesting, if not just informative. (that is, if i didnt read it wrongly) i got myself a couple of books on photography by chinese artists/photographers and they were really engaging. it almost seems like another foreign view on the western cultural import that is photography, i find age-old questions i have on the subject to be sorta answered (and i expect them to get clearer as i re-read them time and again). like i said , the arts here is a lot more encouraging than i expect them to be before i came, despite my own speculation of the reason on the thriving of arts here could very well be a contriving one because 'Art' has seem to become an impression to the people here as a quick way of making money for sales to the foreigners or rather a possible profession amongst the MANY here (remember, everyone is competing with everyone here).

yes, there is a lot of art here, but it also doesnt mean every piece is convincing (i deliberate in using 'good' or 'bad'). some of them, can look so desperate to be understood but yet beautifully accomplished and some others, right in ya face, just lacking in the details of skill.

so, maybe its been looking at so much at once, feeling so many different genres, their ambiguity, like they said, is the face of chinese contemporary art 中国当代艺术， that's putting me on high and confused grounds. like, getting all aroused and excited but dontknow how or where to channel all these newfound energy. plus all the fates seem to be going head-against me, breaking my canister, negatives and spirit. well, they can only try. so im not too worried, ive always believe deaths are only temporal and what comes after, should be even more exciting, only making me stronger.

ill find a way, i always do.

bookofsam @ 2008-05-19T15:21:00

2008-05-19T07:39:47Z

上一周的14时28分，它，就这样来了。

过了一周的同一天，同样时间，14时28分，街头，街道，也不约而同的沉静了。当然，世事无绝对，也有一些人，还嚷嚷着。汽车也跟着鸣响。

在这静和吵之间，看和听起来，都完全分明，而且还是分明得有一点难受。
好像在哭，也好想哭。

人。

"Thank you, frailty
thank you, consequence
thank you, thank you, silence."
alanis morisette

bookofsam @ 2008-05-17T11:39:00

2008-05-17T04:08:38Z

'送给天堂的孩子'

2008年5月12日14时28分，你们刚刚走进教室准备上课，在你们还没有完全听清楚老师念的第一个英语单词，顷刻间房屋轰然倒塌，黑暗变成了你们全部的视野。在这个美丽的五月，鲜花盛开的季节，孩子呀，在你们如诗如画的花季，你们走了，没有来得及叫一声爸爸妈妈。

还记得就在灾难来临的前一天，是母亲节，妈妈还受到你的短信祝福，你向妈妈报告单元测验的优异成绩。可是，晃然一夜间便成了隔世。刚强伟岸的父亲和温柔慈爱的妈妈，他们相互搀扶着，跌跌撞撞来到学校，在黑暗中，他们颤抖着手，用手电筒的微光依次照向一个个幼小的身躯，在夜晚的冷风中，你们没有长成的身体越发柔弱。冰冷的水泥墙挤压在你们的头顶上，献血染红了墙砖。爸爸和妈妈一个个辨认下去，还没有看到塑料布下的头，妈妈就断定那个穿粉色丝袜的就是他们的女儿，因为露出的袜边上有妈妈亲手缝上的丝线。那个穿蓝色运动服的男孩，曾经是校篮球队的主力，曾经俊朗的笑脸被铁丝穿过，他告诉妈妈他的偶像是姚明。

孩子，你冷呀，让妈妈在你的身下垫上些报纸！孩子，你怕吧，让爸爸再牵一次你的手！

你们静静地躺在了你们曾经在课间嬉戏玩耍的地方，却听不到妈妈的呼唤。妈妈襁褓中的婴儿呀，妈妈给你们哺乳沐浴，请老师教你们弹琴画画；可你们还没有来得及体味世间的繁华，没有感受到人间的喧嚣繁冗，就悄悄地走了。

300朵灿烂的鲜花呀还没有完全开放就夭折在了一片废墟瓦砾中。

孩子们，天堂走好！

-

http://redcross.org.sg/chinaearthquake_src_donate.htm

http://www.redcross.org.cn

http://www.google.com/chinaearthquake/index.html

-

text and images from a facebook group.

bookofsam @ 2008-05-14T20:26:00

2008-05-14T13:55:48Z

finally the little screen on top of the corner seat in the subway, usually left for the pregnant or elderly, has from broadcasting every bit of olympic news, given way to reporting on the crisis in china- the sichuan earthquake.

where i am, in beijing, in my rented apartment on the 20th floor, wasnt spared the tremor that came with it. like everyone else, who quipped about it after, we thought we got hit by a sudden spell of vertigo and wondered why. for me, it wasnt until i looked up the ceiling and the light that was hanging from it was shaking back and forth like a swing. the next thing i knew, i was calling out to my housemate who replied feeling the same, both of us grabbed our passports and headed out.

but im safe now, there really is no big deal. unfortunately, it isnt the same for the rest in sichuan, the epicenter of the quake. two days passed and all the tv showed was news and more news on the situation. it's difficult to not let it get to you when all around you, people are talking about it. i even saw some people breakdown on the streets for whatever reason, i honestly dont know.

the way our apartment shook, really scared me. i can only imagine how the others nearer took to it and like another of my housemate said "what are their thoughts when they know they are about to die". i dont think im psychic but i do feel a lot of pain around, its like my geographical spot has granted me this awful feeling for some sort of a karma since where i came from, singapore, we hardly have any catastrophe.

today, i went out again. there wasnt class so i thought, id rather get out than stay home and get reminded of the shaking light that hangs from the ceiling. so then, maybe it's me but in the bustle that was the streets, a certain quiet lingered. there wasnt the usual fooling around, people were just sort of quiet, passive, unreactive.

some of my friends have suggested to me, to get over to sichuan with my cameras and document this episode into frames. i didnt chide them of course, what moral righteousness do i have when i have thought the same thing. but what is this thing called altruism? what observer? what bullshit? for the sake of being famous when a million dollar photograph is made? or for the recording of time so to remind you what hurts? i dont know about you cos im truly confused myself.

i have a schoolmate whose family is in chengdu, sichuan. i feel terrible for her.

i did ask myself- what can i do there? if i just stop everything on my hands now and go to the center of hell. can i help the trapped out or can i snap a few shots? no, really, tell me, what can i do there. of course, i might only whine. from what i can tell, there are already so much people helping, their depression deepening with every body pulled out, do i really want to be there? to listen to all those wailing?
those deafening screams?

ouch, fuck that.
those tears :(

for those who didnt know, i was actually bound for chongqing before beijing forced a vacancy for me. so yeah, i was supposed to be there. probably on some cosmic level, i was meant to be there- to die or to take pictures, that i dontknow.

so i just finished reading about gregory maguire's book about elphaba, the wicked witch of the west in the land of oz. i thought it was pretentious, like this entry. how can anyone be wicked and have a heart of gold to kill a suffering soldier. i know i dont have one, im prolly just like any other guy, waiting for the opportunity to jump onto the next fastest trainride to heaven on earth. but i do like stories like that, the alternative versions to otherwise pictureperfect tales, them and their absolute evils. reminds you of the absurdity we live in.

just about nice to remind you of the smallness of us, another cant-be-said-enough.
what? to look at all those mothers crying for their dead babies?

or to cry along with them because you have undersstood on another level, your not alone in this pathetic world where every poor bastard including yourself, hurts. this might be drama to you but drama, is, playing out where i am.

im a little tired from all these thinking and especially having to imagine why radiohead's reckoner is playing on the speakers now, because i was just wondering what will you tell me.

bookofsam @ 2008-05-08T02:30:00

2008-05-07T18:32:15Z

oh i beg a pagan please

bookofsam @ 2008-05-07T11:42:00

2008-05-07T04:09:30Z

i love being tagged, its fun when you render yourself bored in a city.

1) Are your parents married or divorced? marrried

2) Are you a vegetarian? once in a while, when i feeel i need it yea

3) Do you believe in Heaven? yeah, i have to

4) Have you ever come close to dying? i dontknow, maybe

5) What jewelery do you wear daily? none

6) Favorite time of day? daytime, its nice to see things you know

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yea sometimes

8) What is your hair styling agent? eerrr... what agent? like insurance agent ah, gatsby maybe

9) Ever have any surgery? If so, what? none

10) Do you color your hair? sometimes, omg this is getting dull.

yeah it is pretty damn dull as the me ive made myself to be, gotta run, meme interrupted!

anyway i bought a new camera yesterday, 2ndhand mamiya rb 67, hmmm come to think of it, it's actually 3rd hand cos the seller bought it from someone else too... i wonder if its really 3rd hand though.. it creeps me a little to think of the hands that have used it but also somewhat exciting to be able to imagine the people who have used it, from its first buying to filmloading, the expression on that person's face and how he clicked it or maybe its a she for you feminists out there.. how it was witness to a brutal incident that happened in the house of their owners, a harsh breakup? a case of partner-abuse? a tragic accident of the camera falling upon a child, maiming him/her if not killing...? thus the reason for its passing on? it's almost 2kg, you know.

(on a hindreading thought, hey i hardly write like that, chunks of them all should usually split.. and minimal punctuation..... wonder if its the spirit of the kid that lingers in the new oldcamera thats affecting me so.....)

what the hell

bookofsam @ 2008-04-29T01:03:00

2008-04-28T17:14:14Z

so it's official.

i've been sitting here for the past 1 hour, trying to spew words from my damned fingers on my creaky keyboard, in my very lethargic and feeble attempt to hand you a lowdown on my situation here in beijing when.. all i can think of is the chicken fillet i've marinated with the indian tandoori spicepack that i just bought from soon-to-be-boycotted carrefour, after i was done with my greenbean soup with sago.

GEEZUS KRAIST.

what happened to me?!?!1
i came here for exchange and all that popps into the head is WHAT AM I COOKING TOMORROW?!!?!?

blah- i need stimulation

where. the. hell. are. you. guys.

bookofsam @ 2008-04-28T13:11:00

2008-04-28T05:20:09Z

"you dont want to know them, know about their lives. you just wanna get in and get the hell out as fast as you can. because in the end, when you have to tell them their applications are rejected, it hurts you so bad."

michael moore's "sicko"
in the u.s, an ex-health insurance agent on rejecting applicants

bookofsam @ 2008-04-23T19:20:00

2008-04-23T11:30:33Z

im so tired of thinking.

today, when i woke up two hours late for class, i went to make breakfast.

oh my god, i just wish this entry would happen on its own, without having me to think through it and type and think again and argh, im so tired of thinking.

i hate that i have to think about something, and then i have to think about how to make that something and then what are those things to make that something and why are there so many things to think about to make that something. its like knots in the head, damn it.

no, i dont hate thinking or doing something by myself, i have always been able to anyway.
and i know this is not really me talking and it will eventually get away, but NOW!

sigh well im just saying.

bookofsam @ 2008-04-17T12:26:00

2008-04-17T04:29:17Z

me:

yea we thank god for holes
hmm okay, blasphemous

yoon:

haha.. he needs all the thanks he can get
given how much i have cursed him today
i even took away his capital h

me:

Ha Ha Ha
im putting it back for you

yoon:

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA Here's a wHole lot more of tHem

me:

okay erm

yoon:

that should last him awhile

*gulps*

bookofsam @ 2008-04-17T01:10:00

2008-04-16T17:21:11Z

清明时节人纷纷
天安门人欲摄魂
借问快乐何处有
童童都指镜头中

bookofsam @ 2008-04-12T11:27:00

2008-04-12T04:48:41Z

1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What School did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess?

7. Favorite drink?

8. Dream Vacation?

9. Favourite Dessert?

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?

11. What do you love most in life?

12. One word to describe you?

13. What do you dream about?

took almost forever, my gawd and im supposed to finish up my homework and start shooting.

SHIT.

p/s favourites are accurate at time of print, the author reserves the right to replace/substitute/change therein terms at his own discretion and whim. so bite me, bitch.

I Miss My Queer Family.

2008-04-09T09:09:54Z

i miss your voice, your sadness and your laughter.

i miss your eyes, those big, rolling ones that sparkle with ha, love.

i miss your goddess-like poise, so caring and so motherly.

i miss walking with you, sometimes your arms locked, your cute, fat ass bumping mine.

i miss listening to your british, its always funny when it's "na-tural".

i miss seeing your rugged hands, reminds me how much you work hard for yourself.

i miss talking to all of you and when you look at me, listening so earnestly.

and i guess, somehow i must miss your life the most, the passion for all things you love, reminds me of all that i need to remember to, too.

i miss all these things you guys made it present in me, otherwise missing and lacking.

i hope you miss my nonsense too.

I Sold My Soul For The Second Time

2008-04-06T18:05:09Z

this happens when your exchange-school has no proper photographic facility, nada, none, zilch! sigh.

on a tastier note, here are pictures of my meals!

yesterday's breakfast - 2 mini burgers, one's a traditional cheese and mushrooms, the other a kim-chi + beef jerky bits + mushrroooms, with some chips on the side. love it!

today's dinner - Linguini with Peanut-sauced Chicken Fillet and Boiled Potato with Mushrrroooms, with a fresh Garden Lettuce Salad. whhheee, love it! tastyplanner.com rocks your pots!

(its a crappy picture i know, cos im too starved to care)

okay im getting better with the updates now, gimme a while more and ill hand ya the lowdown on B to the J.

bookofsam @ 2008-04-05T22:29:00

2008-04-05T14:31:28Z

The Great People Of China
(okay not so great this small, but i swear i have a bigger stiched one!)

and i made this for dinner last night- Spiced Chicken Fillet with Curried Mayonnaise and Toasted Bread
totally proud of it, yes!

bookofsam @ 2008-04-03T23:17:00

2008-04-03T15:21:28Z

i know im late for so many things.

okay i swear i will update better next time.

bookofsam @ 2008-02-08T03:27:00

2008-02-07T19:47:59Z

It was confessional, yet dishonest.

Jane pretends to be horrified by the sexuality that she in fact fetishises. She subsumes herself to the myth of black male sexual potency, but then doesnt follow through.

She thinks she respects afro-Americans and thinks they're cool and exotic, what a notch he'd make in her belt!

But, of course, it all comes down to Mandingo cliché. And he calls her on it.

In classic, racist tradition she demonises, then runs for cover.

But then how could she behave otherwise? She's just a spoilt suburban white girl with a Benetton rainbow complex.

It's just my opinion, I mean, what do i know?

bookofsam @ 2008-02-07T01:42:00

2008-02-06T17:51:38Z

Où sont tes héros aux corps d'athlètes
Où sont tes idoles mal rasées, bien habillées

Dans leurs yeux des dollars
Dans leurs sourires des diamants
Moi aussi un jour je serai beau comme un Dieu

Sexy boy, sexy boy ...

bookofsam @ 2008-02-06T16:30:00

2008-02-06T09:30:48Z

piscean in many ways too
and im a sucker for lesbians

bookofsam @ 2008-02-04T19:39:00

2008-02-04T11:57:53Z

for one_last_glance and whoeverrrr

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
nope

2) What was your dream growing up?
i dont remember

3) What talent do you wish you had?
musical

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
chrysanthemum tea

5) Favorite vegetable?
cucumber

6) What was the last book you read?
eternal summer, the novel

7) What zodiac sign are you?
libra

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
nope

9) Worst Habit?
the kind that can be said? probably being late

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
yes

11) What is your favorite sport?
its a tie between swimming and badminton

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
neither, realistic

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
say hi?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
ineffable, bad memories forcefully forgotten

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
i oppose for the sake of opposing

16) Do you have any pets?
nope

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
say hi>

18) What was your first impression of me?
cutesyy

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
scary

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
my nose

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
crime

22) What color eyes do you have?
black i think

23) Ever been arrested?
nope

24) Bottle or can soda?
bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
whoaaaaaa, arrange for financial advisement so i can make more money with those and then after that, watch dvd at home

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
no particular place really

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
not quite, i believe in manifestations of the devil more like

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
watch dvd

30) Do you swear a lot?
ashamedly quite a bit

31) Biggest pet peeve?
dancing to myself

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
huh?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
yea

35) Do you believe in God?
yes

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
yes

bookofsam @ 2008-01-31T00:57:00

2008-01-30T17:05:18Z

helloo everyone who reads this journal
have been home springcleaning and decided to do away with some clothes i dont wear so often anymore. am hoping to sell some of these here to save for my Help-Sam-In-China fund. if you see anything you fancy, please commmment and ill get my fastest ass back on it. prices are from around S$4-S$6, depending which.

this is solely for Help-Sam-In-China fund, which will probably include offsetting his meals, daily needs and art materials i.e film and paper. thanks!

bookofsam @ 2008-01-29T11:07:00

2008-01-29T03:19:13Z

miss yall

bookofsam @ 2008-01-28T00:39:00

2008-01-27T16:46:47Z

hush, lay down your troubled mind
the day has vanished and left us behind

and the wind, whispering soft lullabies
will soothe, so close your weary eyes

bookofsam @ 2008-01-24T18:06:00

2008-01-24T10:13:49Z

on ex-ex lovers

i shoulda kick ya ass today :
PM 06:03
its strange
somehow im remembering his voice
do you miss angela?

i'm gonna beat yo ass, politely :
PM 06:05
sometimes

i shoulda kick ya ass today :
PM 06:06
i think im having my "sometimes" now