bookofsam (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bookofsam) wrote,@ 2008-05-14 20:26:00 |
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finally the little screen on top of the corner seat in the subway, usually left for the pregnant or elderly, has from broadcasting every bit of olympic news, given way to reporting on the crisis in china- the sichuan earthquake.
where i am, in beijing, in my rented apartment on the 20th floor, wasnt spared the tremor that came with it. like everyone else, who quipped about it after, we thought we got hit by a sudden spell of vertigo and wondered why. for me, it wasnt until i looked up the ceiling and the light that was hanging from it was shaking back and forth like a swing. the next thing i knew, i was calling out to my housemate who replied feeling the same, both of us grabbed our passports and headed out.
but im safe now, there really is no big deal. unfortunately, it isnt the same for the rest in sichuan, the epicenter of the quake. two days passed and all the tv showed was news and more news on the situation. it's difficult to not let it get to you when all around you, people are talking about it. i even saw some people breakdown on the streets for whatever reason, i honestly dont know.
the way our apartment shook, really scared me. i can only imagine how the others nearer took to it and like another of my housemate said "what are their thoughts when they know they are about to die". i dont think im psychic but i do feel a lot of pain around, its like my geographical spot has granted me this awful feeling for some sort of a karma since where i came from, singapore, we hardly have any catastrophe.
today, i went out again. there wasnt class so i thought, id rather get out than stay home and get reminded of the shaking light that hangs from the ceiling. so then, maybe it's me but in the bustle that was the streets, a certain quiet lingered. there wasnt the usual fooling around, people were just sort of quiet, passive, unreactive.
some of my friends have suggested to me, to get over to sichuan with my cameras and document this episode into frames. i didnt chide them of course, what moral righteousness do i have when i have thought the same thing. but what is this thing called altruism? what observer? what bullshit? for the sake of being famous when a million dollar photograph is made? or for the recording of time so to remind you what hurts? i dont know about you cos im truly confused myself.
i have a schoolmate whose family is in chengdu, sichuan. i feel terrible for her.
i did ask myself- what can i do there? if i just stop everything on my hands now and go to the center of hell. can i help the trapped out or can i snap a few shots? no, really, tell me, what can i do there. of course, i might only whine. from what i can tell, there are already so much people helping, their depression deepening with every body pulled out, do i really want to be there? to listen to all those wailing?
those deafening screams?
ouch, fuck that.
those tears :(
for those who didnt know, i was actually bound for chongqing before beijing forced a vacancy for me. so yeah, i was supposed to be there. probably on some cosmic level, i was meant to be there- to die or to take pictures, that i dontknow.
so i just finished reading about gregory maguire's book about elphaba, the wicked witch of the west in the land of oz. i thought it was pretentious, like this entry. how can anyone be wicked and have a heart of gold to kill a suffering soldier. i know i dont have one, im prolly just like any other guy, waiting for the opportunity to jump onto the next fastest trainride to heaven on earth. but i do like stories like that, the alternative versions to otherwise pictureperfect tales, them and their absolute evils. reminds you of the absurdity we live in.
just about nice to remind you of the smallness of us, another cant-be-said-enough.
what? to look at all those mothers crying for their dead babies?
or to cry along with them because you have undersstood on another level, your not alone in this pathetic world where every poor bastard including yourself, hurts. this might be drama to you but drama, is, playing out where i am.
im a little tired from all these thinking and especially having to imagine why radiohead's reckoner is playing on the speakers now, because i was just wondering what will you tell me.
